Wandering and Wondering

When I was a child, I decided that if I did something good, I should get paid for it. My parents did not believe in paying us for expected work. Our duties were assumed. We got a weekly allowance for doing our chores. When I questioned what my pay would be for something I thought was extra, my mom remarked, “You’ll get your reward in heaven.”

As a first grader, I did not feel that waiting to go to heaven was what I needed. Over the years, however, I have learned that doing good things without recognition or reward is what it means to be a compassionate human being.

I continue to wonder, nevertheless, about what it might mean to get to heaven. What is heaven, anyway? Experiencing heaven on earth is important. On the other hand, I also contemplate what the afterlife might hold.

I want to believe there is a heaven. I fantasize that the animals I have loved will be waiting at the rainbow bridge for us to go together. I look forward to the possibility of reuniting again with loved ones. I recognize that heaven is perceived in similar but diverse ways depending on one’s spiritual and religious convictions. Heaven can range from eternal paradise with God to liberation from the cycle of rebirth. Paths vary to get there, but most have in common faith, good deeds, spiritual realization, or fulfilling divine commands.

Growing up in the Christian tradition, I came to understood that heaven in the hereafter was only possible by faith in Jesus Christ with kind deeds reflecting that faith. Heaven is a celestial paradise with eternal life in God’s presence. Despite what my mom suggested, being a good person would not have been enough without that faith. In addition, I cannot understand how anyone can say they are a Christian and then be cruel to other human beings.

Concepts of heaven differ for Jewish people but most focus on the world to come in the spiritual sense of shared traditions. Followers of Islam see heaven as a peaceful garden with divine pleasures for those who submit to Allah by balancing faith and charitable deeds.

Hinduism focuses on the liberation from earthy bonds such as the cycle of birth, death, rebirth. Heaven and hell are temporary states based on karma (actions) within this cycle, not eternal destinations. Buddhists focus on achieving Nirvana, the cessation of suffering and desire. Some modern traditions suggest the afterlife is what one makes it, or that salvation isn’t about sin but personal growth.

Heaven is all those ideas with the emphasis on loving our neighbors and expressing that love through good works. I strive to get my rewards while on earth, and then heaven will be a bonus.

Huge pyrocumulus (fire) clouds were building in the west. Our backpacking group had been separated. We had no communication with each other or the outside world since we were in the middle of the Bob Marshall Wilderness in Montana.

Three days before, six friends started our annual backpacking trip. Spending time in that Montana area was a dream of my friend, Dan, who had fond memories of hiking decades ago with his family. Another friend, Leo, brought two pack horses so we did not have to carry all our gear in our backpacks. The route was planned without thinking about getting current information about trail conditions in this Forest Service area.

Unfortunately, trails were not in good condition. The second day we encountered down trees that made horse travel prohibitive. Plan B was to split up (never a good idea!) with Leo taking the horses on a different trail than planned. We agreed to meet a day later at a determined place on the map. We hikers, however, found walking to be a challenge due to downed trees and overgrown trails. We didn’t get to the designated rendezvous area and were unable to meet Leo the next day as planned.

By noon the third day, the billowing fire clouds were obvious. We had no idea where Leo was. We could smell the smoke faintly, but the fire was some distance away. We settled down for the night. The next morning a ranger on horseback told us we had to evacuate immediately. He assured us that we would not have problems making the 12-mile hike back to our cars and the horse trailer, if we left straightaway.

The trail parking lot was to be used as a staging site for the firefighters. We had our car keys but realized at the trailhead that we could not find the keys for the truck and horse trailer.

Augusta, MT was the closest town an hour’s drive away. It was flooded with wildland fire fighters gathering to prepare for their onslaught on the fire. The one hotel in town was closed. The local park where we wanted to camp was reserved for firefighters.

We explained at the Forest Service office in Augusta that we had no idea where our friend was and that we needed to get the trailer out. Fortunately, a backcountry ranger had radioed to say he had encountered a man with three horses and advised him to head to an exit in the far north part of the wilderness area. With phone service, we learned from Leo’s brother where the spare truck key was hidden in a secret place in the trailer. We convinced the county sherif to escort Dan back to get the truck and trailer.

He returned at 11 pm. We had been hanging out at a local bar/restaurant/pizza place-the only one in town. We had no idea where to spend the night. Hearing our situation, the young woman who was working and in the process of purchasing the bar offered to let us park our cars and sleep in the driveway where she lived in her double wide trailer. When Deb and I got there, she insisted that the two of us sleep in her spare room. She handed us towels and asserted we would be refreshed after a shower. We did not want to impose but welcomed her generosity after a long frightening day and evening.

The next morning, the young woman left early to cook for the firefighters. We stopped by to thank her again, but a line of firefighters was outside the restaurant door waiting to get fed. We waved goodbye and left to take the 3-hour drive to meet Leo.

I think often about his young woman’s example of humankind(ness).  I appreciate the compassion expressed to me and my friends by this stranger during one chaotic misadventure in Montana. I hope that her life has been blessed. I will not forget the humanity she showed to us.

Mom and I have almost made it through January, and I have taken control of the laptop for a few minutes. Nevertheless, to paraphrase Garrison Keillor, “… it’s been a quiet month in Estes Park, Colorado, my chosen home, out there in the mountains.”

Mom tries to be upbeat. I know, however, that the current world situation including the not so quiet month in Minnesota, as well as the short cold days of January, are something that she would like to put behind her. Me? I wish the sun shown on my sleeping place a little earlier in the morning. Nevertheless, napping is napping regardless of sunshine or not.

Mom says that even though it is cold and windy outside, we must be grateful to live in a cozy house. Despite the windy conditions, she goes out to walk or hike every day. As the saying goes, there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. My fur is my blessing, and I avoid the outdoors.

According to what I learned on AI, January was named for the Roman god Janus, protector of gates and doorways. Janus is depicted with two faces, one looking into the past, the other into the future. January symbolizes the spirit of new beginnings and fresh starts, but I don’t see myself starting anything new. Mom didn’t set any intentions for the year, but I know she wants to stay healthy.

I heard on the radio that this January is the driest on record in Colorado. It is frightening because we need moisture to have adequate water in the summer as well as to cut down on wildfire danger. I don’t ever want to evacuate again like we did in 2020. I can tell mom is concerned.

I understand that people often want to “hibernate” in January. I get it. Mom, however, is not into hibernation. She stays busy and finds solace in her volunteer work at the park. She tries to be positive about the park she calls her “happy place,” but funding cuts and new mandates frustrate her. I sense her mixed emotions after spending time volunteering.

Mom misses Mog every day. I miss her too, but I now take her place on the office chair for napping and share the middle of the bed with mom at night. Mog relegated me to the bottom of the bed when she was alive. I know I am not the same as Mog by her side, but I try to be a good boy and let her know how much I love her.

We’re making it through January. Mom and I are blessed.

On New Year’s Day a woman was killed by a mountain lion on a trail less than 10 miles away from where I live. It was tragic, and so unfortunate that it happened. It was the first human killed by a mountain lion in Colorado in 25 years. Wildlife officials tracked and killed two juvenile lions in the area who were suspected of being the killers. One of the animals had human DNA on his paws so clearly was involved in the incident.

I understand why the lion perpetrators of the attack needed to be euthanized, but the incident saddened me. Rehabilitating bears that break into homes, wolves that kill domestic livestock, and mountain lions that attack people is difficult. Nevertheless, I am reminded of the poem by Kelli O. Kersell:

Who will speak for the animals,

For those who have no choice?

Who will keep them safe from harm,

Who will be their voice?

I live in a place that is abundant with wildlife. I revel each day in seeing the animals. Clearly where I live, as Jane Goodall suggested, “We’re not… separate from the animal kingdom. We’re part of it.” Goodall spent most of her career showing how similar humans and non-humans are. Animals deserve compassion, just like us. I think most people where I live are compassionate about animals, but we also must be responsible in living with these creatures.

My colleagues in natural resource management have written about the urban wildlife interface. As we destroy more open areas once populated with wildlife, these animals have adapted to a world where living with humans is inevitable. Dan Flores researched coyotes for decades and maintains that, for example, probably 5000 live in Chicago and are helping to keep down the populations of geese and deer. Unfortunately, they may also prey on cats and dogs. The interface is complicated. Nevertheless, human compassion should be extended to animals as well as humans.

The mountain lions who killed a woman two weeks ago cannot be ignored. Humans are not normal prey. Regardless of the wild animal, humans must be respectful. Animals need their spaces. Acknowleging that animals are part of nature is essential and people are responsible for preventing wildlife-human conflicts.

I will continue to spend time in the wilderness by myself and with others. I will do what I can to minimize the danger to myself and the animals. I will try to avoid conflicts and take action to be a voice for them.

I do not want to sound like one of those old people who talk about the good old days. Until recently I did not feel the past was better than today. I marvel at the transformations that have occurred in my lifetime. I am in awe of what has emerged in the past 75 years.

I am particularly aware of the changes in technology. My childhood had three channels on a black and white TV with rabbit ears. It went off the air every night with the playing of the national anthem. In high school I was excited to have a little transistor radio that I listened to at night with favorite songs that only aired from time to time. I took a typing class in high school in preparation for college and remember us students begging to take turns using the only electric typewriter that we had.

Technology that really changed my life was the invention of email and the world wide web. I recall reading Future Shock in the mid-70’s and fantasizing about the possibilities someday or having information instantaneously available at one’s fingertips rather than having to consult an encyclopedia or get help from a librarian. Who would have believed that we would be carrying unlimited information in our pockets every day.

I have also witnessed the revolutions in healthcare over the years. In 1950, the average life expectancy was 46 years; in 2023 it is 73 years. I have benefited from vaccines that have become available to save lives. I remember especially the joy that my mom expressed when polio vaccine became available when I was in grade school.

The political environment has greatly interested me. Seeing TV clips of the civil rights movement were perplexing to me as a child who was growing up in an exclusively white community. I recall the concerns of nuclear war related to aspects such as the Cuban missile crisis. My parents built a “fall-out” shelter in our basement just in case nuclear war happened. Little did I know how futile that shelter activity was.

The Vietnam War was central to my high school and college years. As time went on, I became jaded by the ability of any war to solve problems. I continue to seek understanding of how diplomacy is better than war. Until the past year, I believed that I grew up and lived in an international order that sought peace, stability, and growth.

I could go on with my perspectives on other major changes. I will, however, leave it here as I contemplate what may happen in 2026 that will significantly impact my life and the lives of people I love as well as those individuals I do not know.

I love my family of origin. My biological family shaped my core values and beliefs. I miss my parents and strive to maintain connections with my sisters. I am grateful, however, for the families of choice that have emerged over the years. These networks of friends and colleagues offer comfort and rituals that nurture me. My family of origin (FOO) provided foundational lessons. My families of choice (FOC) are intentional and offer meaningful connections.

I value what I learned from my FOO. They nurtured me with love, boundaries, communication skills, and influence about how the world works. My upbringing was not perfect. At times I did not believe my family understood me. On the other hand, I am grateful for what I learned about frugality, generosity, kindness, and reverence for the natural world.

Today I call several groups my FOC. These families do not supplant the FOO that provided love and safety in both my child and adulthood. These families, however, supplement my world and enable me to continue to grow as my FOO became less central to my life.

My FOCs are active through our commitments to one another. For example, I have a special family that started during my graduate school days. These people provided the essential sustenance I needed to complete my academic work and then maintain productivity and networking throughout my academic career. These friends and mentors, although some have passed away, continue to nourish my wellbeing.

A group of women came into my life when I lived in Madison, Wisconsin over 45 years ago. We have continued to get together in small and large groups over the years. They are the family that I can re-connect with in a matter of minutes upon reuniting. They have been steadfast during times of joy and sadness.

I am part of a FOC in Estes Park who are steadfast in my everyday life. They are also an anchor in celebrating holidays. I know that I can count of them for anything that I need. I hope they feel the same about me. They have enabled me to define family in my own terms.

I have been fortunate to have FOCs come in and out of my life over the years. I cannot imagine what life would be like without the foundational family I was born into as well as the created compassionate families that I have chosen, and that have chosen me.

I am addicted to my Fitbit. Since I began running almost 50 years ago, I have kept track of my mileage manually and know that I have now run/walked over two circumferences of the world. The wearable device, my Fitbit, has been in my life for almost 15 years and I am compulsive about keeping track of not only mileage but the steps I take. I try not to judge myself related to this obsession, but I recognize its importance.

Wearable devices, according to AI, have evolved from specialized tools in the 1970s like calculator watches and medical heart-rate monitors. Today we talk about smartwatches, fitness trackers, and other sensor-embedded devices. The modern wave began in the early 2000s with Bluetooth connectivity. Since 2010 and about the time I began to use technology, wearable devices collected and synchronized personal data.

These wearable devices are useful for health and fitness tracking (e.g., steps, heart rate, sleep, stress), medical monitoring (arrhythmias, glucose levels), and other experiences. As sensors become more accurate, wearables continue to expand from motivating tools to companions for health, productivity, and personalized digital interaction.

I like being able to monitor my health and fitness. It helps me focus on healthy habits and challenges me to stay active, although I think I would be active, as I have been for years, regardless of the notifications.

Although advantages exist, there are drawbacks. For example, wearables collect sensitive personal information that may be vulnerable to breaches or misuse by companies or third parties. Further, wearable sensors are not perfect, and measurements can be inconsistent or inaccurate. I feel I am over-reliant on this technology especially if my Fitbit does not synchronize regularly with my phone. I must remember to regularly charge my watch. These devices can be expensive and may not be available to everyone.

I am happy to have the technology while also recognizing that I can resist my addiction from time to time. I want to be OK if I do not reach my step goal every day. Last week my step count was appreciably down because of the high winds, and I was fine with not trying to battle them. I also recognize that sometimes adjusting my daily goals is important. Nevertheless, I find the device remarkable regarding the information and motivation it gives me.

Christmas overshadows everything this time of year. It isn’t the only reason, however, to appreciate the winter season. I was reminded recently of how people celebrate different holidays and holydays during the month of December. I like knowing what is important to others.

I enjoy Christmas because of the fundamental rejoicing in the birth of Christ as the realm for Christians. The story of the heralded birth provides the basis for music, gift giving, and family traditions. For me as a red letter Christian, the holyday provides light and hope for the future. The message of Jesus’s life is kindness and love.

My Jewish friends celebrate Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights, which commemorates the Maccabees’ victory and the miracle of oil that burned for eight days. These traditions include the lighting of a menorah, eating oil-fried foods like latkes and donuts, playing dreidel, giving gelt (coins), and gift-giving. The annual winter holiday celebrates both events, which resulted in increased religious freedom for the Jewish people. In 2025, Hanukkah started on December 14th.

National Bodhi Day, celebrated by Buddhists, marks Siddhartha Gautama’s enlightenment under the Bodhi tree. For several cultures, celebration occurs on December 8^th. The day commemorates Bohdi’s awakening to the Four Noble Truths: there is suffering, a cause of suffering, an end of suffering, and a way leading to the end of suffering. Celebrants often meditate, study scriptures, light lamps, and perform acts of kindness.

Kwanzaa is an annual celebration of African American cultures from December 26 to January 1. It culminates in a communal feast usually on the sixth day. Activist Maulana Karenga created it based on African harvest festival traditions from various parts of West, East, and Southeast Africa.

The Winter Solstice acknowledges the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. From this day on, daylight will be longer and nights shorter. This festival is celebrated by cultures from around the world. During this December global holiday, each culture marks the holiday with different traditions and rituals, such as brewing and drinking mulled cider, lighting lanterns, dancing, and gift-giving.

I am happy when someone wishes me Happy Holidays because it includes all the possibilities during this season. I am also pleased to be wished a Merry Christmas since that is part of my heritage and tradition. Regardless of the named holiday, all traditions embrace love, light, kindness, and joy. We all share common values and choose to demonstrate them in our own ways, regardless of the religious tradition. It is a time to rejoice in the goodness of the world. Happy Holidays!

I feel resonance when I am outdoors. The earth grounds me and the sun draws me upward. I resound when attuned to something bigger and deeper than myself.

Resonance has been on my mind lately. Scientifically, resonance occurs when something vibrates more strongly because it is driven at a frequency that matches its own natural frequency. Every object has a frequency at which it naturally oscillates. For example, when a musician plays a note, the body of the instrument vibrates and amplifies the tone.

I vibrate with nature. Beyond being scientific, it is a sense of alignment and deep connection with the natural world. It expresses an emotional and spiritual state where I feel attuned with the environment around me.

Being in nature provides an antidote to the chaos that confuses me in this world. Etty Hillesan’s statement resonates with me as she notes, “Despite everything, life is full of beauty and meaning.” When I return from an outdoor Experience, I feel grounded and ready to face the contradictions that dominate my life.

I go to nature to clarify and organize my thoughts. Ideas come to me in my head, and the resonance drops my thoughts from my head to my heart. Although my writing over the years has been mostly in my head, I seek opportunities to express myself from my heart.

I resonate with various aspects of nature. For example, being near an alpine lake can give me a sense of calmness. Reaching a high elevation gives me a feeling of expansion and freedom even as I recognize that I am but a small piece of a huge world. I love seeing wildlife when I am out in nature. I feel a special bond with pikas going about their business of gathering hay for the long winter ahead. I take comfort in seeing a cow elk nuzzling her calf.

I have come to feel a special resonance with the full moon rising. The anticipation of the coming moonlight and the confidence that a moon will rise in all its brilliance, whether cloud obscure it or not, creates a sense of harmony between my inner emotions and the natural world.

Nature is my companion that brings me peace and insight. It reverberates with my heart and soul.

Unlike the old Alfred Hitchcock movie, I am delighted that the birds are regularly back in my life. It only took them two hours to find the buffet feeder after the recent snowstorm. Because of bears and abundant seeds sans snow, I waited until I thought the birds needed me.

I love birds. I am no birder, however, and do not aspire to be. I have tried going out with friends who are avid birders, but I lack patience. I enjoy moving quicker than one should when observing birds. I envy people who can hear bird songs and then look for that bird flitting about.

I took a trip to the Amazon Rain Forest years ago. I did not realize what I was travelling with vehement birders. We went to a remote tourism resort in the heart of the rainforest. To get to this wild place we flew, took a motorboat, and then a wooden canoe. My friends thought they were in bird heaven. I enjoyed the trip and the hours we spent in a lookout tower watching for birds. They identified over 70 new birds to put on their life lists. I wrote them down in case I ever decided to keep such a list, which has not happened.

I miss all the birds that lived year-around in North Carolina. My feeder there was always humming with activity. Fewer birds remain during the winter in Rocky Mountain National Park. Several years ago, friends who were birders spent a week at my condo in Estes. I warned them that not many birds would be found in March. I was wrong. With the thank you note they left, they listed 22 different birds that they had seen. I was delighted for them but also felt less expert on birds.

Unfortunately, I am worried about the birds. Statistics suggest that North America has lost more than 1 in 4 birds in the last 50 years. Habitat loss is the greatest threat to birds. According to research, bird populations in almost every habitat are declining. I lament the losses. I continue to advocate for birds and try to help them as I can.

I have set up two wooden stools near the window so that Gitch can watch the birds with me. They usually disaffect him. I watch them with my own solitude and enjoy my daily chores each winter of filling the feeder and making sure the ground feeders have an opportunity to feast on the mixture of sunflower seeds, millet, peanuts, and corn. Feeding the birds is a winter joy that brings me close to nature when I am indoors.