Wandering and Wondering

When I was a little girl, I often felt anxious. My mom always told me to take deep breaths before I began whatever it was I was fearing. That advice has guided me for decades. As I age and confront issues I have with asthma, I am more cognizant of breathing than ever before.

My mom was on to something when she advised about deep and intentional breathing. Researchers have found that breathing is the way to calm one’s mind. Helen Lavretsky, a geriatric integrative psychiatrist admonished that breathing is an immediate tool available to human beings to regulate emotions. I often remind myself about how important it is to “just breathe.” It can influence how I think and feel.

I have had more issues with breathing in the past two years. My exercise induced asthma, which was once easily controlled with an inhaler, is slower to respond. I am especially finding the cold and elevation hamper my breathing. Living where I live, I am concerned. Nevertheless, I am exploring ways to enhance (and enjoy) my breath.

I practice breathing better. For example, my posture helps. When I stand up straight, I feel more air coming into my lungs. In the wintry weather, breathing through my nose seems to filter and regulate the temperature of air going into my lungs. I try to relax into my breath by being as smooth as possible going in and out.

Breathing is something I have taken for granted much of my life. Of course, when I heavily exert, I recognize the increase. However, these days I am more mindful of what my breath is doing. Not only am I aware of my breathing during exertion, but I also use my yoga and meditation to slow down my breath. Research shows that most people breathe 12-20 times a minute. The “magic” number is 5-6 breaths per minute. I am striving for that rate.

My mom knew the importance of breathing when she helped me calm years ago. I understand better each day why that advice worked! I am grateful for every breath I take.

Grilled guinea pig? “Sure, I’ll try that.” I am audacious with food and enjoy trying new cuisines. I may try things once (such as the guinea pig in Peru) and never need to taste it again. Like most people, however, I have foods that I enjoy eating often– comfort foods.

Comfort food includes dishes that provide a sense of nostalgia and emotional satisfaction linked to personal or cultural memories. These foods are typically rich, hearty, and/or indulgent. Particularly in the winter months, comfort foods are heartening.

The foods my family of origin ate did not have ethnic significance since most people with whom I grew up were from homogenous white northern European backgrounds. I was lucky, however, to grow up with a mother who was “food adventurous.” She liked to serve casseroles and variations on how vegetables were cooked, especially the ones we experimented with from our garden such as brussels sprouts and parsnips. Although my dad insisted on a typical farmer’s diet of meat and potatoes, and reluctantly a vegetable or two, my mom was open to fixing menus with variety.

My Aunt Dorothy made the best kolaches in the world and although I don’t come across them often, they remind me of her. Fried chicken was often part of family reunions. My family raised sheep and was one of the few that ate lamb when I was growing up. I am conflicted about eating red meat, but when I enjoy a lamb dish, it brings back memories from growing up on my Iowa farm.

As I travel around the world, I am keen to learn about special foods from other cultures. For example, although not my favorite, Asian Indian comfort food often includes curry. Europeans may prefer the possibilities of pasta. In my recent trip to Chile, I loved sampling variations on empanadas. When I think about the months I spent in Türkiye, I long for kebabs. I loved the mommas in Nepal. Universal comfort foods around the world seem to include chocolate, ice cream, or fresh-baked bread.

My favorite comfort food today is pizza. I am not referring to the Chef Boy-Ar-Dee complete pizza boxes that I had growing up. Good pizza is always a treat whether celebrating something special and/or getting together with friends. Clearly, comfort foods are not necessarily about the taste as they are about the emotional connections.

“Oh, shoot, what was her name?” I am not sure I say things like this any more these days than I have in the past, but it feels that way. I think about memory loss and dementia more often as I encounter my contemporaries questioning some of their circumstances. As I get older, I am wondering about what a personal journey with mental decline might mean for me.

I have good genes relative to the potential for memory loss. My paternal grandmother had significant memory issues, although I am not sure it was diagnosed with a label. Although my other grandparents lived into their 70’s, I recall more physical than cognitive issues. Memory problems for my parents only happened related to other health issues as they reached their 90s. I feel lucky.

On the other hand, I am aware of the possibilities of losing mental sharpness when I cannot recall a word or name that I think I should know. As baby boomers age, I notice a myriad of references to dementia and its progression and treatment. Dementia is a common worry, and, like others, I fear the uncertainty of losing memories and the ability to connect with others.

Dementia has stages from mild to severe. The timeline and symptoms vary for everyone. My fears are normal and not overwhelming. Every time, however, that I cannot immediately recall something, I wonder if I am in decline. I remain calm by telling myself that I am overthinking this situation, just as I tell myself when I overreact about other health issues. My friend says it is not my memory but the indexing in my brain. I have so much information there that it just takes a while to find it. I hope that is the case!!

Nevertheless, I focus on being proactive to maintain my brain health. I have always been a “self-help” junkie and read regularly about how to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Being physically healthy in general empowers cognitive abilities. I exercise every day. I “bathe” in the forest. I try to eat healthy foods. I drink alcohol infrequently. I do word puzzles every day. I volunteer so I can have a purpose in life. I value and try to nurture my friendships. I express gratitude each day for all the advantages I have. That all seems like a good prescription for living in general.

I cannot control what lies ahead relative to the likelihood of my physical or cognitive declines. I can strive to retain my health and support my friends who are also experiencing these concerns.

I meet people in my life with whom I feel an immediate connection. These folks indicate a shared history and values. People who share common interests, values, or worldviews might be described as kindred spirits. These friends and acquaintances resonate with me because of the energy related to our common life experiences. We often share the same quirks, and sense of humor.

I feel at peace with kindred spirits. I know they understand me. For example, I feel kindred with other volunteers in the park because we are committed to facilitating great experiences for people in the park. People who love cats like I do are kindred spirits to me. Whenever I meet someone from Iowa, I feel a tie to a Midwestern upbringing.

I have experienced kinship ties with many people over the past 75 years. Time with these kindred spirits brings me in touch with what is important to me. In a sense, I see myself better when reflected in a kindred spirit. They also provide assurance to me that I am not alone as I pursue my passions and purpose. These relationships, sometimes fleeting and sometimes long-term, comfort me.

Sometimes I feel an immediate connection with someone. When I see that we share similar experiences such as being Iowa State alums or marathon runners, I know I am with my people. It feels like I know that person (at least a part of them) immediately. They “get” me.

I am particularly cognizant of kindred spirits as I navigate my fears about the directions of my country. Networks of like-minded people are necessary. Connection with kindred spirits is especially important to me this week. These relationships give me knowledge, courage, and commitment that can lead to potential change.

Kindred spirits are different from soul mates. Kindred spirits share common values as do soulmates. However, as I understand soulmates, they are intertwined with everyday life and have an ongoing influence. Connections with kindred spirits may be fleeting, and that makes them special.

I look forward to those moments when I feel kindred connections. As Charles Schultz suggested, “In life, it’s not where you go, it’s who you travel with.”

We had a horse on our farm when I was growing up. She was not an endearing animal. I respect horses, but they have not been consequential in my life. I have never had a good equine relationship. Recently, however, my appreciation for horses has expanded.

The “One Book, One Valley” nomination this year in Estes Park was The Ride of Her Life: The True Story of a Woman, Her Horse, and Their Last-Chance Journey Across America. I fell in love with the two horses that are integral to the story. I felt the connection the author described and the sorrow when one of the horses died.

I was not sad, however, when our farm horse passed. Betty was a gray appaloosa cross who really hated riders. My dad had to catch her for me as she was not cooperative about the prospect of a rider. We never had a saddle for her, so I always rode bareback. My dad said that it made me a better equestrian because I did not rely on a saddle to stay on her back. She would reluctantly trot and when she sensed we were headed back home, she would break into a full gallop. Betty was always in control. I never felt any bond, and I know that was what she wanted.

Nevertheless, I admire people like my friends Deb (see photo) and Chris who have had intimate relationships with horses. Horses have been unique in human history and culture. Their strength, grace, and intelligence are revered in the work they have done as well as the pleasure they provide for people. Before modern machinery, my grandfather used to talk about their role in agriculture as well as in moving around.

I am learning that what may set horses apart from some other animals is their deep unions with humans. Although I have never experienced it, people tell me that horses are intuitive creatures capable of reading human emotions through cues like tone of voice and body language. Horses capture humans because of their strength and nobility.

I doubt I will ever have such an inclination toward horses, but I appreciate them more because of reading this book. I am glad they hold a special place in the hearts of my good friends.

I see my mom every time I look into a mirror. We resemble each other increasingly as I age. I think about my mom every day. Since she passed almost six years ago, she guides me from above.

Most children hold an extraordinary place in their hearts for their mothers. A mother’s love influences and shapes who we are. One of the profound reasons my mother, and most mothers, are special is because of unconditional love. From the moment I was born, my mother’s love provided comfort and security from childhood to the turbulent years of adolescence and beyond. Through her patience and sacrifice, my mother showed me how to care for others and navigate the complexities of life.

I am grateful for the almost 70 years that I had with mom. As true with most mother-daughter relationships, it was not always perfect. The older I got and the older she got, however, the more we appreciated each other. I realized the role model she represented. I am a better person from what I learned from her. I am also aware that she was not flawless, and I give myself grace in that regard as we all face our journeys by doing the best we can do.

Seeing the changes that came with the deteriorating health of my mom in her later years was not easy. Although I have loving images of my mother in her declining years, I most want to remember the times when she was vibrant and healthy.

Many of my friends no longer have their mothers in their physical lives. Other friends, however, are fortunate to continue to share themselves with an earthly mom. After my mom passed, my good friend Deb let me share her mom as my MOE—Mother on Earth. Unfortunately, this MOE passed several months ago. When I interact with any person who is old enough to be my mom, I look for the connection I might get from a MOE.

Although my mom is no longer here, her heavenly presence is a source of comfort. I wish I could tell her one more time about my deep gratitude and respect for her unconditional love.

With the new year, I am buoyed by the hope of hope. “Hope isn’t always loud and obvious. Sometimes hope is a tiny, fragile thing. Something warm you hold in your heart and tend to so it can grow.”

I have been in a state of mourning for almost two months. Hope has been elusive. As I understand grief and loss, the feelings of bereavement may never go away but will become less frequent and less disconcerting. Hope is the antidote to the sadness I feel.

I have appreciated knowing the stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) in her book On Death and Dying. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. When someone loses a relationship or a job, they often feel a loss of identity. Although I have not focused directly on politics in this blog, I cannot ignore the feelings that I now have. The United States I envisioned has disappeared. Therefore, as Howard Zinn encouraged, I am looking for strength and faith to do what I can to shape the world I want in the coming new year. I also remind myself that human history is not only about cruelty, but also about compassion, courage, and kindness.

Articulating the stages has helped me understand my feelings. I am aware that these do not apply to everything and don’t happen in order. For example, denial relates to difficulty I have had in understanding why politics have gone as they have. Anger continues to surface for me. Depression has been my most prominent feeling. I vacillate between feeling directionless and thinking things will someday be OK.

Painting by Albert Bierstadt

The final stage of grief is acceptance– learning to live with a loss, learning to live with hope—darkness AND light. Anne Lamott in a recent article described how Albert Bierstadt used both light and dark to make his paintings of mountains dynamic. In 2025 I want to continue to love others, and work to change what I can toward justice in my communities. I am seeking to spend time with those people who are good and kind, and to continue to do what I can in my universe to make it a better place to live. In 2025 I will live with darkness and act with the hopefulness of spinning the world in a light-filled direction.

Happy New 2025!

I am not one to jump on bandwagons for media stars. Even though I am a grateful Iowa State Cyclone alum, I am enthralled, as are millions of people, with the success of Caitlin Clark and the Iowa Hawkeyes women’s basketball team. I am a college basketball fan, and the Iowa women have provided amazing excitement this winter.

I played Iowa high school basketball. I have had an affinity for basketball ever since I played forward using “girls’ rules” with a 2-dribble limit on the half court. It was the only sport available in my small rural school and was just as popular as boys basketball. In college I played field hockey and volleyball because they were the only team opportunities for me. Iowa State did not have women’s basketball in those “old days.”

I do not know what more I can say about Caitlin Clark other than what has been reported on social media as well as national sports shows. I am thrilled that women’s basketball is getting such attention. I know Caitlin has her detractors and she is not perfect, yet I am a fangirl.

The breaking of records has fed Clark’s stardom especially on social media. Caitlin, however, has impressed me most with her passion and humility as she plays the sport. I am biased and cannot watch her and her teammates play without feeling the emotion and joy of women’s basketball games. Caitlin wears those emotions on her sleeve and seems to express the same delight whether she makes a logo 3-pointer or assists one of her teammates in a great play. She expresses her frustration too and tries to smile quickly when things change.

I am most impressed by Clark’s apparent humility. When interviewed, she is quick to acknowledge the contributions of her teammates, coaches, family, and the fans. One of my high school teachers told me, “When you’re great, you can afford to be humble.” Caitlin knows she is outstanding, but she lets her actions speak for that greatness and gives credit to those around her. I admire this trait above everything else that she does.

I have long loved the game of basketball. Caitlin Clark’s skill and demeanor have added to my admiration for the way that women and men play the game. Regardless of what happens in the NCAA tournament, I am grateful for witnessing the skill and role model that Caitlin portrays.

I love that Christmas manger scenes involve animals adoring the baby Jesus. I am always excited to see sheep as part of the menagerie. Jesus is referred to as the lamb of God who would take away the sins of the world. Although the idea refers to the sacrifice that Jesus would make, just as lambs were sacrificed in Judaic traditions, I love the innocence of lambs related to Christmas traditions.

I think about lambs not just during this Christmas time. I was lucky enough in 2024 to see baby lambs twice in two hemispheres. What a treat! My most favorite aspects of our hikes in the United Kingdom in the spring the past few years has been seeing the baby lambs. I was delighted and unexpectedly thrilled that Chile has a large sheep production. Being there in spring, December, allowed me to see lambs for a second time in one year.

My father loved the sheep that we raised on our farm. Not many people in our area had sheep so we were somewhat of an anomaly. I raised sheep for 4-H projects for 8 years. I subscribed to The Shepherd Magazine for a decade and read each issue gregariously. I still have copies of those issues in my high school files. (I am going to have to purge them someday).

We sometimes had orphaned sheep that we raised. It was not unusual in March to have a big cardboard box on our back porch with a lamb or two in it so they could be bottle fed every few hours. Feeding continued twice a day for several more weeks when they were back in the yard with the others. All those sheep had names, of course, but we also knew that their plight in life was to grow up as meat animals.

I often fantasized about being a sheep farmer rather than the path I took in higher education. I would not have been successful in that endeavor. I remain thrilled, however, whenever a sheep appears in my life. Watching the shaking tails of little lambs makes me happy. Seeing sheep in Christmas scenes always elicits a smile.

I just returned from a two-week trip to Chile. The opportunity reminded me once again of how grateful I am to live in the United States. I am harkened to that privilege when I travel. At the same time, I become more adamant about being a global citizen. I do not believe this understanding is an “either/or” choice. My experience over time has reinforced how the two identities must co-exist.

Chilean Flag

Global citizenship is a form of transnationality. My identity transcends geography or political borders. My responsibilities and rights come from my beliefs in humanity. My nationality and global citizenship go hand in hand.

I am fascinated by other cultures. Recently I was sorting through grade school files that my mother sent to me years ago and discovered an illustrated report I wrote in fifth grade about Switzerland—even then other cultures, especially those connected with mountains, captivated me.

I extol the life-changing experience I had as an International 4-H Exchange (IFYE) participant to Türkiye 50 years ago. Living with 20 families from throughout the country over a six-month period, I learned the meaning of family ties and making the most with limited resources. I learned that all parents love their children with passion no matter whether they live in the US or elsewhere.

I have further articulated this global citizenship stance after meeting people from around the world both in their countries and as visitors to mine. I was on the Board of Directors of the World Leisure Organization and attended multiple conferences around the globe. Each time I visit a country, I meet people that are special. I hold them in my heart when I hear about disasters that occur such as earthquakes in Türkiye, wildfires in Greece, or tsunamis in Japan.

The International Camping Fellowship (ICF) uses the butterfly as its logo. The butterfly effect is the idea that small, trivial events may result in larger consequences. For instance, when a butterfly flaps its wings in India, that tiny change in air pressure could eventually cause a tornado in Iowa. Global citizens cannot ignore these complex issues. Isolating myself from caring about the world is impossible.

Global citizens are members of multiple, diverse, local, and non-local networks and not just isolated countries. My social responsibility is to act for the benefit of all societies, not just my own.