Wandering and Wondering

I visited my mother’s “favorite” cousin in Denver a month ago. I had been meaning to see her for months and finally made the effort. It was good to reconnect. She and my mom always kept up over the years, so it was a remembrance of something important to my mom.

 “Cousins are the first friends we have growing up.” That statement was true for my parents’ generation as well as my own.

My mom was big about cousins. She came from a large closely knit family in rural Eastern Iowa. She planned “cousins reunions” in her later years. When most of these cousins passed, she planned a cousins reunion for her children and her brothers’ and sister’s families. My sisters and I coordinated the event mom wanted to have. The reunion was fun since cousins were now seeing one another as adults who had not been together for years.

Meints Cousins Reunion Several Years Ago

Marion Garretty suggested, “A cousin is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.” I remember fondly the New Years Day celebrations with the Henderson side of my family. My grandparents were among the first folks to have color TVs. We would gather and awe at the Rose Bowl Parade in living color during the early 1950s. Later on those days, the cousins often did a “program” for the family. One year my grandparents returned from a trip to Hawaii and gave us all grass skirts and leis. We performed a show singing and dancing the hula in our skirts.

Although I was older, my city cousins from Chicago came every summer to “the farm” where they could indulge in farm activities like feeding the pet lambs and harvesting garden crops. One year there was a momma raccoon living in a tree where we had a tire swing. My little cousin called them “toons.” To this day, I don’t see a racoon that I don’t think of calling it a toon.

I am fortunate to have many cousins—20 on my mother’s (Meints) side and 6 on my dad’s (Henderson) side. Although four have passed away, I am able to keep in touch with others via Facebook. I didn’t get to choose my family, but it is a blessing when cousins are also friends.

Mog, looking at the clock that says 5:27am: Shall we wake her up? It IS our “normal” time for feeding in the morning, but Libby and Skyler never fed us until the sun was well up. I’m hungry and I can wait.

Gitch: Mom got home kinda late last night. It was WONDERFUL to see her again. I think we should let her sleep this morning.

Mog: OK, I guess. For a while anyway. She was happy last night when she arrived although a little tired after being on an airplane all day. I wonder what that would be like.

Gitch: I hope I never find out. I am glad to stay put.

Mog: She sounded like she had had a good trip. She was quoting Mary Oliver who stated, “I love travel which reveals something new at every glance, every turn. Pay attention. Be astonished.”

Gitch: She was gone a long time and not paying attention to me. Now that she’s back, it doesn’t seem that long.

Mog: She went to Ireland for the first time. She remarked it was beautiful, lush, green—no wonder they call it the Emerald Isle. She described the landscape as astonishing and loved walking along the Dingle Peninsula cliffs with the ocean down below.

Photo by Deb Bialeschki

Gitch: It’s green here but still snow on the mountains. We will never see an ocean, and I am content with our scenery here. Why does she travel when we live in one of the most beautiful places in the world?

Mog: She likes new views on this big world. She said she missed us and didn’t see many kitties on her trip. I am glad about that–I hate competition. She did mention hundreds of baby lambs and I know she adores them in the springtime. Next to kitties, sheep are the best.

Gitch: She looked the same as she did when she left so I guess that she and her travelling friends had a fun time. What is Guinness anyway? She developed quite an affinity for it.

Mog: The best part of drinking the Guinness was sharing it with her friends as well as the interesting and kind people they met along the way.

Gitch: I’m glad she’s home.

Mog: Me too. I missed the scritch scratches and the warm lump she makes on the bed.

Gitch: It is time for breakfast, isn’t it?

Mog: Let’s wake her up gently and slowly, and let her know we’re glad she’s home.

One person gets up in front of others and tells them what to do. Another shrugs their shoulders and lets someone else emerge to guide a group. Yet another individual describes the situation, asks for ideas and input, and then guides the folks in making a democratic decision. These are disparate examples of how leadership might manifest. A range of behaviors is possible.

I have studied leadership since I was a teenager. 4-H was an organization that taught young people how to be leaders and gave them practice through experiential leadership. I attended a 4-H Leadership Camp as a junior in high school and it changed my life in terms of recognizing my own potential for leadership.

As an introvert, I have not necessarily sought leadership. I like J.K. Rowling’s quote, “It is a curious thing, Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well.”

I have been in formal leadership positions over the years as president or member of a Board of Directors for many organizations ranging from being captain of my basketball team to Board member and president of national professional organizations. I have sought to model myself as a democratic leader who was willing to lead by inspiring followers who believed in the same principles as me. I have been described as a “quiet leader” on several occasions. I gladly accept that mantle.

I hope, as Dolly Parton suggested, “If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then, you are an excellent leader.”

I thought that my formal leadership days were over. I am content in volunteering in positions where the opportunities are clear and relatively easy to perform. I like informal responsibility such leading my friends in a monthly full moon rising walk. I am happy to stay in the background.

Sometimes, however, new opportunities present themselves and others have confidence in my ability to lead. I am about to accept a new formal leadership opportunity. I know I can handle it although sometimes the “imposter syndrome” rears its ugly head. I look forward to the opportunity to shepherd a cause that is meaningful to me. Perhaps leadership never goes into retirement.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes an activity you’ve done becomes better over time as you reminisce about it, even though it may not have been so wonderful at the time? Many activities that we undertake in life are comprised of more than just an actual event.

I loved teaching my students about the concept of a recreation experience. The framework was something that they could understand. A recreation experience was defined by researchers in the 1960’s as a multiphase experience consisting of five major aspects: anticipation, travel-to, onsite activity, travel-back, and recollection.

I used the example with my students that if they woke up this morning and someone told them today was Christmas, it would not have the same impact as all the actions that one takes to prepare for Christmas day. If that Christmas day was over and you had no memory of it, the same enjoyment and significance would not be evident for that year.

A recreation experience is the sum of all its parts–looking forward to it, traveling to and from as in the case of a vacation, the actual activity, and then the recollection and story-telling about the activity. Sometimes an activity does not go as planned, but it ends up in good stories to share with others at its conclusion.

I am about to embark on a 2-week trip for sightseeing and hiking. I am going with three friends. We have spent considerable time planning and preparing. Together we have shared emails, zoom calls, and conversations about logistics and tours we want to do. Sharing in the planning and being excited together has added immensely to the trip even though it has not yet occurred.

I do not know what our trip will behold. I do not look forward to flying for hours, and I want to enjoy passing that time. We are planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

One of the best phases of doing a trip is returning home and sharing with others regarding the activities. I will let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I am enjoying preparation. I am anticipating meeting new people, learning about a different culture, sharing fun with friends, drinking good beer, and having stories to tell when we return to bring full circle to our recreation experience.

I was casually visiting about the weather with several friends. Each of us described an incident this winter when we had fallen on ice. One of the women remarked, “If only we could have 10 seconds back to have done something different to prevent the fall.” That comment got me thinking hypothetically about what I would do if I had 10 seconds back in my life on different occasions.

In the past month of March Madness, several teams would love to have had 10 seconds back. In my basketball playing days, I might have wished for that once or twice, but it makes no difference today. I am thinking about what I can do in the future to use 10 seconds to greater health and happiness.

Getting 10 seconds back is not possible. Thus, I contemplate how I can live so I don’t regret a passage of 10 seconds. If I took 10 more seconds from time to time, I could initiate something that I had hesitated, overlooked, or neglected: a positive comment to a friend, a hug, a note of encouragement. Similarly, I have said some things to people that I probably should not have said. Having 10 more seconds to stop and think might have prevented a hurtful or uncomfortable situation.

One of the reasons that I prefer to write rather than speak at times is because writing gives me the opportunity to pause for 10 seconds, or more, and reflect. I learned years ago that when I receive an email that is disturbing, I should let it sit for a bit before I fire off a response. With 10 seconds or more, I can craft a response that is diplomatic and not regrettable.

I can’t get 10 seconds back, but I can be mindful of what 10 seconds might mean. I found Cheryl Strayed’s (author of Wild) reflection as worthy of consideration: “But if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t do a single thing differently. What if all those things I did were the things that got me here?”

Regardless, I wish I had not fallen on the ice. I wish I had responded to someone in a different way. Coulda, shoulda, woulda! I hope I can learn from using every 10 seconds better in the future.

I never knew anyone to live to be 102 years old until now. This week my Uncle Bob Henderson will celebrate 102 years living in my hometown, Coggon, Iowa. Although this milestone may not be as well known in Iowa as the Hawkeye Women’s Basketball team, it is a big deal.

People live longer these days. Medical technology has helped. However, the part that is important is not the quantity but the quality of those years. My uncle Bob has had both quality and quantity. I hope others will be so fortunate.

My uncle is my dad’s oldest brother. My dad passed over 9 years ago at the respectable age of almost 92. He had a good life on the farm, too. In a recent article written about Coggon’s oldest resident, Uncle Bob said he has no regrets and “has lived a good life.” Don’t we all hope to make such a statement?

Uncle Bob was a farmer and also worked for most of his adult life in local banking. Before “retirement” he served as the secretary/treasurer of the local school board for 20 years. He has a legacy in Coggon as a volunteer extraordinaire. Small towns often struggle, and Bob did his best to help the community thrive and not just survive. He was a pioneer in the development of the Coggon Betterment Organization as well as the Coggon Historical Society.

This man saw great change in the 100 years since he grew up using only horses for farming. Much has been written about how to live a long and meaningful life. My Uncle Bob could be a model for what is important. In the article he stated, “I have enjoyed people, and I have enjoyed doing things for people.” Bob believes that the secret to life is getting along with one another.

My uncle was fortunate to be surrounded by a loving family as well as caring neighbors. He was married for 76 years before his wife passed recently. His two daughters have been by his side. My cousin, Mary, has been a devoted caregiver and moved in with her parents several years ago so they could “age in place.”

I am proud and grateful for my dad’s big brother. I know Uncle Bob will continue to enjoy life and inspire his family and friends. Happy Birthday!

Something I miss most about my mother’s passing four years ago this month is that I can’t just call her or go visit to share good things in my life. For several years, I looked forward daily to chatting with her about routine happenings as well as special moments.

I continually find, as W. Clement Stone suggested: “If you are really thankful, what do you do? You share.” I am grateful that I have family and friends with whom I can share my joys, as well as sadness, and am recognizing how important sharing has become in my life.

Joy: First flower of spring on April 1, 2023 (photo by Jim Swaney)

I have not always been good at sharing. I consider myself a private person.  I need time to feel comfortable around others. I have worked hard to be a better conversationalist and have found that getting others to talk about themselves gets me off the hook. I also value humility in myself. Nevertheless, I am learning that communicating joy results in its doubling. Sharing is caring regardless of the content.

Volunteering at Rocky Mountain National Park reflects the impact of sharing. I love to hear people exclaim how beautiful our park is. Their sharing reminds me about my joy in living here, although I usually do not need to have my consciousness jogged. I love people who come into the Visitor Center with their phones out eager to show a photo of what they just saw in the park-a coyote, a moose, a flower, a bird. I appreciate another quote I saw, “Life is not about making others happy. Life is about sharing your happiness with others.”

When something good happens to me, I am eager to share with special others. I do not do so in a bragged manner, but as a way to connect. I eagerly accept it when others impart significant moments of pride and joy with me. Just yesterday a friend shared a video of the spring lambs on her farm who were running and jumping (with joy) in the warm sunshine.

These ideas may seem a bit “cheesy.” Yet, as I acknowledge the four years since my mother passed, I remember how much I miss communicating about joy—hearing her updates on family affairs as well as my giving her a rundown of the good (and bad) things that constitute my day. I am grateful for others who “get” me and am grateful that I have had significant opportunities for joy AND sharing over the years.

I feel like an old person when I talk about pre-internet days. Yet, as a baby boomer I think about my youth without cell phones and where answers to questions came from verbal conversations or going to the library. I am not alone in my love and hate relationship with technology.

I recall the “code” that we had with my parents when extracurricular school activities were over, and we needed to get a ride home. We would go to the only pay phone in town on main street, dial the home number, let it ring twice, hang up, dial again, let it ring twice, and hang up. That was the signal that we were ready to get picked up. Mom or dad would show up in 10 minutes, and we saved a dime in the call!

I also remember reading Future Shock in the early 1970’s. Toffler described how someday technology would enable information from around the world to be readily available at home with a few computer keystrokes. If I wanted a report about XYZ from a library in Japan, I would have instant access on a screen rather than having to go to a library or request something mailed to me. We take for granted that immediate answers to many questions can be “googled” with a small handheld device.

Social media dominates the world. Although it allows for immediate information with little effort, it also allows for disinformation, misinformation, and misunderstood information. Having access to people instantly with text or messaging can create important connections. On the other hand, always having our devices in hand can distance us.

Recently I invited three friends to my house to watch a basketball game. Everyone was settled and I had made sure drinks and snacks were available. The game was about to start and I looked around the room to see that everyone was on their phone. I mentioned it and they put the phones away. The moment was surreal as it appeared that their screens were more central than pre-game chatter.

Technology has revolutionized learning. Teaching and research are easier. Nevertheless, so much information can be overwhelming. Drowning in information and starving for knowledge can be a result. I must critically examine the bombardment of messages I receive every day.

I am reticent about artificial intelligence (AI) and the impact it is having. It is exciting and very scary. I continue to evaluate what AI means. In the meantime, I am grateful for the technological world AND also maintain skepticism that it is the answer to life’s social questions.

I usually start putting together ideas for a blog posting weeks ahead of time. I jot ideas about what I want to say.  I planned to write about a Chinese proverb I stumbled upon: “Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” I wanted to reflect on how this idea related to my acceptance of aging. It would be a lament about my physical slow down.

Things happen, however. Last week I had to stop and stand still for a while. I contacted a terrible cold—went to the doctor and confirmed it was not COVID, Flu, pneumonia, or RSV but an old fashioned cold that I had not had for years. I felt miserable. Due to asthma issues, the bug hit my lungs. Moving around in my house was a physical and mental struggle. Doing nothing/standing still was a better alternative to going a snail’s pace!

Most of my life has been a whirlwind of activity. I have not lived in the proverbial slow lane. I have prided myself in moving quickly, reading fast, typing rapidly, and multi-tasking. A cat once taught me to move a bit slower in my house. She jumped up and ran away whenever I popped up quickly from sitting in a chair. If I moved slowly, she was much happier.

My mother bemoaned that when she was in her early 80s she just did not have the same endurance she used to have. I wish I had talked to her more about how she felt as I am going through a similar experience. I am hopeful, but doubtful, that I will get back to normal energy, whatever that is.

Consciously slowing down has enabled me in retirement to be more mindful and to absorb the world more fully. Coming to a standstill, however, has been difficult. CHOOSING to slow down or come to a standstill is different than having it forced upon me. Cursing slowness is not as bad as no movement whatsoever.

I feel better this week. Being patient with myself is not my strong suit. I work on adjusting to slowness, however, as it seems inevitable. I am gaining a deeper appreciation of growing slowly and doing what I can to avoid future times of standstill.

Remember when the choices one had for ice cream were vanilla and chocolate (and maybe strawberry)? Today Ben and Jerry’s advertise that they have 54 flavors available. Making choices is more complex than when I was a child! I can live with options but I am increasingly stressed by divisive dichotomies that exist.

An idea that I have written about professionally as well as tried to model in my life is BOTH/AND as contrasted to EITHER/OR. The basis of both/and is that multiple things can be true (and available) at the same time. Everybody has a right to their experience. Not being locked into either/or thinking opens up new worlds such as the possibilities of trying interesting new flavors of ice cream.

I was brought up to think mostly in rational, dualistic terms that did not allow multiple perspectives or meanings–things were either right or wrong. Now I understand that dualistic thinking is not the only way to make sense of the world. Traditions such as Buddhism and Taoism understand and teach the paradoxical nature of reality. Examples of both/and thinking are:

Hard work and leisure

Solitude and community

Mind and body

Happiness and sadness

University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill (men’s basketball) and North Carolina State University (all sports)

Two examples of BOTH/AND thinking are evident in my life. I had the opportunity to collaborate with my mentor, Doug Sessoms, on a book about our professional organization. Doug wanted to title the book, The Noble Experiment: The History of the National Park and Recreation Association from 1965-2005. I argued with him that it was “a history” and not “the history.” The book was our interpretation and I fully realized that others might have different perspectives. Ultimately, we wrote “A History…” Other people later wrote with different interpretations of that history.

Second, I have a colleague who is also a family therapist. One time in a discussion, she reminded me that people were often quick to respond, “Yes, but…” She taught me that in writing as well as speaking, saying, “Yes, and…” was a better way to acknowledge multiple perspectives.

Either/or is an over-simplification that can miss the point (at best) or be harmful (at worst). I am learning to ask myself to fully explore my emotions and not always compartmentalize my thinking. I do not want to discard dualistic thinking as it provides guidance for living. Sometimes OR is important. I am more often convinced, however, that AND is a better response.