Frugal and Generous: My Mom

This week marks the second anniversary of my mother’s passing. Never a day goes by that I do not think about my mom and my dad. I was privileged to have mom in my life for almost 70 years. I also had opportunities to visit her for a few days every other month through the last years of her life.

You can never prepare for a parent’s death no matter how inevitable it is. I thought perhaps I was ready, but now I understand that I will never be ready. Mom passed peacefully probably almost simultaneously with me leaving my home in Colorado to visit her for what I imagined would be my last time. I had been to Iowa two weeks before and we had enjoyed March Madness together. A week later she had a stroke that left her largely incapacitated.  

Mom’s body was still at the care center waiting to go the funeral home when I arrived in Iowa. The staff had put make-up on her and positioned her comfortably. She looked peaceful and at rest, although the memories I have of my mother are anything but “at rest.”

Preparations for the visitation and memorial service were easy as we knew what mom wanted such as the hymns and scriptures for the service. She wanted her ashes comingled with my father’s for spreading at a later time with a portion on the farm where they had lived for over 50 years. The remainder were to be buried under their headstone in the little community where they had both gone to high school and participated in numerous church and civic activities for over 60 years.

I love the stories people share about their mothers. My stories are not extraordinary. I am, however, reminded of my mother every time I look in a mirror since I resemble her greatly. Personality wise, however, I am not as outgoing, but I did inherit her energy level and work ethic. I know she was proud of me and always demonstrated unconditional love for me. I learned from her to be a reader and to be curious for knowledge. She was an exceptional teacher, and I sought to be like her.

Mom once told my sister that she did not think she was a good mother. I wish I could ask her what she meant. I think she did a pretty darn good job. I know she could be critical sometimes and a little inflexible, but none of us is perfect. She did her best and that is all anyone can hope.

A statement the pastor made in her memorial service resonates with me every day. She described my mother as “frugal and generous.” She definitely was frugal as a result of her upbringing and the influence of the depression on her life. In a “Grandma’s Life” book she put together for my niece, she wrote about how delighted each of her brothers and sisters were with the single gift of an orange they got in their Christmas stockings.

Generosity was evident throughout her life. For example, she was a lifelong volunteer. After retiring from teaching, she gave her efforts to Aid to Women (a program that provided resources and counseling for women in need), as a court mediator for the County Judicial system, and for the Historical Society in our small town.

Mom was also generous in helping individuals in need. She never forgot to send a card for someone’s birthday or for other special, or difficult, events.  I am reminded of two stories shared at the memorial service. Janet was an 11-year-old neighbor when my parents were first married. She told mom how much she really wanted to go to camp but her parents could not afford it. My mom called the Campfire Girls camp and offered to volunteer for a week as a counselor if they would let Janet go for free. Janet never forgot mom’s effort and kindness as she related the story 65 years later.

A second story concerned a young woman in the church who was going through difficult times emotionally and financially through no fault of her own. One day the young woman went to the mailbox to find a note and a $100 bill from mom. The note said, “I wanted to take one of the rocks off your pile. Please do not tell anyone about this note and a thank you is not needed.”

My mom deserves a lot of thanks. Frugal and generous is now my life mantra and my legacy to my mom.