Remember when the choices one had for ice cream were vanilla and chocolate (and maybe strawberry)? Today Ben and Jerry’s advertise that they have 54 flavors available. Making choices is more complex than when I was a child! I can live with options but I am increasingly stressed by divisive dichotomies that exist.
An idea that I have written about professionally as well as tried to model in my life is BOTH/AND as contrasted to EITHER/OR. The basis of both/and is that multiple things can be true (and available) at the same time. Everybody has a right to their experience. Not being locked into either/or thinking opens up new worlds such as the possibilities of trying interesting new flavors of ice cream.
I was brought up to think mostly in rational, dualistic terms that did not allow multiple perspectives or meanings–things were either right or wrong. Now I understand that dualistic thinking is not the only way to make sense of the world. Traditions such as Buddhism and Taoism understand and teach the paradoxical nature of reality. Examples of both/and thinking are:
Hard work and leisure
Solitude and community
Mind and body
Happiness and sadness
University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill (men’s basketball) and North Carolina State University (all sports)
Two examples of BOTH/AND thinking are evident in my life. I had the opportunity to collaborate with my mentor, Doug Sessoms, on a book about our professional organization. Doug wanted to title the book, The Noble Experiment: The History of the National Park and Recreation Association from 1965-2005. I argued with him that it was “a history” and not “the history.” The book was our interpretation and I fully realized that others might have different perspectives. Ultimately, we wrote “A History…” Other people later wrote with different interpretations of that history.
Second, I have a colleague who is also a family therapist. One time in a discussion, she reminded me that people were often quick to respond, “Yes, but…” She taught me that in writing as well as speaking, saying, “Yes, and…” was a better way to acknowledge multiple perspectives.
Either/or is an over-simplification that can miss the point (at best) or be harmful (at worst). I am learning to ask myself to fully explore my emotions and not always compartmentalize my thinking. I do not want to discard dualistic thinking as it provides guidance for living. Sometimes OR is important. I am more often convinced, however, that AND is a better response.